Over the last few months I am realizing that I am likely suffering from postpartum depression. For the longest time, I assumed it couldn't possibly be what was eating at me, but the more I heard from mom's who have dealt with depression, the more I feel like that is exactly what's going on.
I am not sad, I do not want to kill myself, I don't want to hurt my children. Yet, I have days that I just don't care. I still take care of my kids and go about my business as usual, but inside I lack motivation. There are days that the thought of having to bathe my children makes me feel exhausted and I haven't even done anything yet. Some days, the thought of clipping their nails seems overwhelming, and it is a tiny task. I do it anyways, but I don't get much enjoyment out of it.
I always had this idea in my head that depression meant you feel sad all the time. That's not the case! You can suffer from depression and not feel "sad" at all. I have days where I feel overwhelmed over little things and I just shut down. There have been occasions where little things would make me cry, and those things would just eat at me. Most of the time I just feel like I am living in a gray world.
Don't picture a grown woman huddled in a corner sobbing. That's not what my life looks like. Most people don't even have a clue that I am dealing with it. Really, I look like a normal person. Looking back, I think I have been dealing with this for a long time, I just never admitted it and I didn't know what "this" was. Maybe part of me knew and just didn't want to come to terms with it, or maybe I really just didn't know.
So here I am, and now that I realize what's going on, I can start making changes. I won't get on medication because I don't think the postpartum depression is serious enough. I am not a medication person to begin with, so it doesn't seem natural for my lifestyle. First, I need to change my diet. I am not eating as healthy as I should. I need to start cutting out caffeine, getting more rest, and making sure I am getting enough Vitamin D. I need to get back into exercising regulary and making better choices. I am a huge believer that mind, body, and soul are all interconnected and all areas need attention to improve overall well-being.
Have you ever suffered from depression? What did it feel like for you? What helped you get back to yourself?